"My mum is an active and fiercely independent woman. In her early 50s, she was a popular face within the local community and loved spoiling my kids. Her spirit and sense of fun kept them amused for hours – everyone loved ‘Nana’. But when these wonderful characteristics started to fade we couldn’t work out what was wrong.
She stopped coming to see us as often, and when she did, her visits were short. Even on the phone, she would change the subject if I suggested an outing and seemed much less outgoing and even uncharacteristically moody and abrupt. I really worried about her and found these changes in her behaviour quite upsetting.
Although it happened eight years earlier, my brother and I thought that my father’s premature passing might have caused it. But when I suggested talking to a doctor about bereavement counselling, she laughed and said she’d only “bother” the doctor with “important” matters, and that we were being silly. Then of course we started to worry if there was some more serious problem she wasn’t telling us about.
Mum is not shy or frail and she’s definitely not stupid. Her insistence that nothing was wrong made each suggestion of help more difficult. After a while I felt my efforts were viewed as “nagging” which was heartbreaking.
Then, one day I received a phone call from the hospital to say that Mum had tripped up on a step and broken her leg. She needed bed rest, but was otherwise well and would be home in a few days but would need to come and stay with us until she was back on her feet.
Mum asked me to get a few things from home for her such as some clothes and wash things and then asked me to pick up some sanitary towels for her. I sort of did a double-take as I knew my Mum was well beyond her menopause. She went quite red with embarrassment as she explained she got the ‘odd leak’ and needed a bit of ‘padding’. I asked her if that was behind her coming round less often and she admitted it was. She couldn’t believe it when I actually laughed with relief. I told her that like a lot of women who have had children, I had the odd leak whenever I coughed or lifted heavy things. She’d had three children herself but, surprisingly, had never experienced it before. I also told her that she’d be much better off with proper incontinence pads as they’d help her feel much more secure and they stop any smells.
I could see the worry drop away from Mum’s face. I think knowing someone as young as me – I’m 35 – has bladder weakness and isn’t that bothered by it was a huge relief. She now admits she should have mentioned it to her doctor (or even me) the moment it first happened, and not wasted months of unnecessary worry for both of us. So if you suspect someone you love has a problem like this, try and drop your own experience or that of a friend into the conversation to see if it triggers a response".